“ – no no no Kate it’s under the – yeah, yes. The red one – no, the – yeah, that one.” Clint clamps his phone between his shoulder and ear and picks up the watering can. “Well, I couldn’t not buy a purple one, could I?”

He begins watering Natasha’s houseplants. She has a lovely spider plant currently taking over her kitchen which Clint is very fond of, largely because she’s had it for nearly five years now and he’s not managed to kill it yet.

“Well, yeah, I guess, but – ” He frowns. “Katie, no. Are you insane? America would – ” Clint spills some water on Natasha's counter and leans over to wipe it up with his sleeve. “I don’t think – ”

He’s cut off again, Kate getting more and more animated on the other end. Urgh, Kate’s crush is getting really annoying now.

He moves on to the plants in the front room. There’s a monstera and a couple of cacti and… oh, that’s new. He’s not sure what it is but –

“I am Groot.”

“What?” Clint says, uncomprehending.

“I am Groot,” says the fucking plant.

His phone clatters to the floor, Kate’s voice floating tinnily from its shitty speaker.

“Clint? Clint? What was that noise? Are you – CLINT?”

---

“He fainted?” says a voice Clint doesn’t recognise. “He fainted?”

“It’s a talking plant!” Ah, that’s Tony though.

“And it was in my house.” And that’s Nat.

“Excuse you,” says the first voice, “Groot is not a plant.”

Clint peels his eyes open to find Natasha sat at his side, hand wrapped around his. Is he in hospital?

“And I thought he was supposed to be a hero?” the first voice continues. “Since when did heroes faint?”

“Well, we don’t have talking plants here!” Natasha snaps.

“Groot is not a plant,” the first voice growls. Clint inches his head around until he can see the speaker, feeling the scrape of fresh bandage against his skin. Did he hit his head? Is that why he’s – ?

The speaker is a raccoon. A raccoon. And there was a talking plant earlier, he suddenly remembers.

Fuck this shit, he thinks as he checks out again. He’ll wake up again when the world makes sense.