Author: alphaflyer
Title: "Fright Night"
Warnings: None, unless you have a thing about zombies. A wee bit of swearing (Clint!)
Rating: General
Pairing/characters: Clint/Natasha; The Gang's all here (minus Coulson, who is a wee bit over-exposed these days)

Written as a "treat" for hufflepuffsneak

ETA:  See the original version under the cut; a slightly more polished version is available on AO3 under the title "Coffee and Zombies".  :-)

FRIGHT NIGHT

By Alpha Flyer

From: DDir M. Hill
To: C. Barton
Date: 30-10-2013

Barton:

I know you’ve been into my Nespresso capsules again, despite the booby trap I set. Cease and desist, or there will be consequences.

____________________________________

From: C. Barton
To: DDir M. Hill
Date: 30-10-2013

Deputy Director:

Hey, thanks for the confidence!! Seems you forgot something, though. I’m in Armenia. Just finished cleaning up the mess that Sitwell left behind. Those flesh-eating monks?

PS: That whole fucking monastery is infested. I’ll need new silver arrows when I get back.

_____________________________________


From: DDir M. Hill
To: N. Romanoff
Date: 30-10-2013

Natasha:

I need your help. Barton claims he has nothing to do with my Nespresso capsules disappearing, on the basis that he’s in the Caucasus. The thing is, it’s the Colombian Supreme, his favourite. He has to have something to do with it. Can you tell me how he did it? Please? Sushi on me.

_____________________________________

From: DDir M. Hill
To: N. Romanoff
Date: 30-10-2013

Natasha? I said sushi!!

_____________________________________

From: DDir M. Hill
To: N. Romanoff
Date: 30-10-2013

NATASHA. Answer me. This isn’t funny.

_____________________________________

From: DDir M. Hill
To: T. Stark, S. Rogers, B. Banner, Thor
Date: 30-10-2013

EXTRACTION PRIORITY!!!

Team:

Have reason to believe that Agent Romanoff is in trouble. Can you check up on her? Last known coordinates were 57th floor, Avengers Tower.

PS: Stark – if you have any idea about how someone could make a whole box of Nespresso disappear from a locked steel container, equipped with motion detectors and exploding paint capsules, I’m open to suggestions.

NB:  Sitwell has disappeared now, too.

_______________________________________

From: S. Rogers
To: DDir M. Hill
Date: 30-10-2013

Maria:

Romanoff was asleep. When I woke her up, she claimed not to have had anything to do with whatever your ‘little problem’ is (her words, not mine). I’ll make a more detailed report when the medics are done sewing up the knife wound in my left arm.

PS: What’s Nespresso?

__________________________________

From: T. Stark
To: M. Hill
Date: 30-10-2013

The disruptor ray we confiscated from van Doom last week comes to mind. But I thought Banner’s mild-mannered alter ego had stepped on that?

Have to give Legolas credit. He’s way smarter than he looks. Good luck catching him.

__________________________________

From: Thor
To: Lady Maria
Date: 30-10-2013

Wrkhga;oiertw’GABN m

Sorry, Maria. Thor’s hands are a bit too big for the smart phone SHIELD gave him. He says an inter-dimensional portal might have been at work. Do you want me to get to work on that? I’ve got something in mind. In the meantime, he’ll check in with Heimdall to see whether your capsules turned up on the Bifrost.

Cheers,

Jane

PS: You don’t think Loki ….?

_____________________________


From: B. Banner
To: DDir M. Hill
Date: 30-10-2013

Deputy Director,

Those capsules. Have you checked their former location for sigma radiation signatures? It’s a bit far-fetched, but this could have done it:

∑47=√½≥⌥5.78 x π

Sincerely,

B. Banner, PhD

_________________________________

From: C. Barton
To: Director Fury
Date: 30-10-2013

Sir:

Managed to get six of those zombie monks into the QuinJet. Hope that’s enough? They’re making quite a racket, but between Springsteen and my new Bose headphones I should be okay for the flight back. Let no one ever say SHIELD doesn’t take its Halloween parties seriously!

PS: Hope Sitwell didn’t get any of that blue dye on my Nespresso???

___________________________________

From: N. Romanoff
To: C. Barton
Date: 31-10-2013

Clint – You win. Black tie tonight! I’ll bring the cuffs.

N.

______________________________