A Gift From: theladymore
Type Of Gift: Fic
Title: If I lose Myself
A Gift For: shenshen77
Rating: PG13
Warnings: Mentions of Past Torture
Summary/Prompt Used: Clint has always helped Natasha with her nightmares, but when Clint starts having nightmares after the Loki Incident...she is at a loss of what to do.
Author's Note: I hope you don't mind the tiny crossover with Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D, I just love the idea of Natasha and Melinda talking.



Natasha had many nightmares. With a ledger as red as it was, it was hard not to have them.

In the first days as a new agent of S.H.I.E.L.D, her nightmares were frequent. All she saw was the training in the Red Room. How they programmed her to become an assassin. They would show her disturbing imagery, inject her with performance enchanting and beat her to make sure the drugs were fucking working. It was all too much for her young mind.

She had to grow up quickly. But inside, and still to this day she still sees a little girl screaming for help. The little red headed girl covered in blood only appears in her nightmares. Natasha often found herself in some dangerous situation when these dreams occurred. The building would be burning, there would be a violent fight, he'll flood waters would be rising.

She would try to reach for the little girl. But even when she made it centimeters away from her...the girl would seem to move further away. Finally, she'd touch her and she would explode into a bloody mess. The blood stained the walls and her skin.

The emotionless Natasha Romanoff would just scream out in terror.

When she would wake up a large, yet gentle hand would be shaking her awake. When her foggy eyes opened, she saw the piercing blue eyes of Clint Barton looking down at her. She didn't know how loud she was screaming, but it was enough for the 20% of hearing he to catch it.

"You were having a nightmare," he would say his hands moving wildly in sign language, indicating Clint didn't have the hearing aids on. S.H.I.E.L.D had fitted him with a special pair that he never had to take out of his ears and he wouldn't feel the ear pieces like he used to, but they needed to be charged once in a while. So he tried to keep them off at night to save the battery.

"Want to talk about it or at least have me comfort you?."

For the first few months Natasha would turn him away. She didn’t trust him enough to tell him her secrets. But the more she got to know him the more she learned to trust him.

Soon when she had the nightmares….while she didn’t tell Clint the extent of them. She let him hold her in her strong arms. With a sense of security she would let him rock her slowly back and forth as she drifted off to sleep.

It was usually her that had the nightmares. Even with Clint’s troubled past, plaugued by his deafness and being mocked by it, and all the death he had seen , it was surprising he didn’t.

That all changed when Loki brainwashed him.

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He was screaming. His yells so loud, she could feel it rattling through her bones. She ran as fast as her feet could carry her, as if she were escaping henchmen with a vengeance. She made her way into the adjoining room she shared with Clint.

He was in bed thrashing wildily as if an entity possessed him. Sheets began to tangle against his struggling body. She didn’t know what to do. She stood there for a moment, trying to figure out how to help him.

Should she shake him awake?

Should she let it pass and talk about it later?

Still at a loss of what to do, she just simply turned and made her way back to her room….he could probably self soothe himself. After all…..Clint seemed to be the more resilient one than her. It was probably a one time thing.

It wasn’t. Night after night Clint had the nightmares. In the beginning Natasha would continue to go into is room, stand, wait, and try to figure out how she could soothe him. Again she would walk back and let it pass.

Eventually she didn’t even bother going into his room, assuming she was the last person she wanted to see.

And the more time passed, the more distant she became. Untill finally it blew up in her face.

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Before the Loki incident, Clint Barton was as sharp as a tack. He would never miss a target he was intended to shoot. But today they were supposed to take out a dangerous target.

But today he missed. Instead of making a shot that killed the target, it only wounded him. He was ushered out by his Henchman to safety.

Natasha had healed for the most part from her wounds in the Red Room with a few kinks still in the way. One of them being she was a perfectionist; she felt that if she failed one mission she would be punished serverely. Her mission closure was high but every time she did fail she would dwell on it until she told.

She caught Clint in the hallway of the helipad.

"What the hell were you thinking out there!" Natasha roared as she grabbed his wrist, turning him to face her. "You let DeMarco go. This man killed hundreds of men, woman and children."

Clint furrowed his brow. He understood her tendency to let things go out of proportion when things went wrong. Usually he would have these kind and sympathetic eyes, but there was something different. There was rage, annoyance and most of all..hurt.

Was it because she wasn't being sensitive to his plight?

"I haven't been sleeping lately," Clint said bluntly, "but you wouldn't know, apparently you didn’t hear me.”

She felt as though she was cornered with that statement. How could she respond to that? How could she even respond to the fact she didn’t have the courage to help him. The look in her eyes was kind of sheepish and Clint could read her like a book. He was often good at that.

“You know what I am talking about,” Clint said his jaw now tensing even further, “when we first started working together….I was always there for you. I could have at least acknowledged me.”

“I told you Clint when we first met,” Natasha said trying defend herself, “I’m not the type of person who is emotional, who likes to talk about feelings, why you even cared for me when I had nightmares is beyond-”

“I CARED ABOUT YOU BECAUSE I LOVED YOU!,” Clint roared. Her eyes widened. Was he? No…but she could tell by the hurt in his eyes….Clint wasn’t lying. He was telling the truth. “But I guess...I was foolish for even trying to think I could get you to love me back….especially since you roped me in.”

Natasha was going to answer, but Clint had already turned heels and was out of her sight, as quick as the hawk as he was.

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Melinda May had been a long time friend of Natasha’s, a mentor of sorts since her early days in S.H.I.E.L.D. Because they were similar in many ways she found herself often confiding in her on either professional or..even personal matters. She was luckily to have caught the older woman when she and Coulson’s team came to check in once every couple of months.

“I don’t know why he’s so angry with me, “ Natasha said as she took a sip of the tea Melinda had made her. The other woman had took a spot across from her folding her hands gently on the table. “I warned him that he shouldn’t even bother falling for me. He fell in love with the wrong person. ”

Melinda nodded her head and hummed.

“And you seem to be affected by this as well,” She responded, “maybe you love him as well? Or at least denying it, I could agree with Agent Barton’s statements….they way you care for him...tells me you do. “

“Love is for children,” Natasha said. It was her excuse every time she was asked if she did love Clint. She told it to Coulson until she was blue in the face. She told it to Loki when he asked why she was too keen to find Clint before what ever the bastard demigod did to him took an even worse effect.

But the truth was...she did love him. She had for a long time. But she didn’t truly know if it was because it either because he made that different call and he saved her life, OR was it was actually real. She never had true affection in her life, let alone know how to love.

“I see it in your eyes Natasha,” Melinda said, “it isn’t even hard to hide the glow when you mention his name.”

“You’re right,” Natasha said pausing to take a deep breath. “I do love him.” Natasha felt a huge weight lifted off her shoulders when she mentioned it. It had been hidden for so long and now it had been brought to the surface. Now it was all a matter of how to approach something she had so long avoided. “It’s just that…..I don’t know….how to show it. I know this is a personal question Melinda...have you ever loved someone….and if you had or do...how did you approach it?”

A wry smile formed on the older woman’s lips as she picked up her own cup and tea and sipped it slowly.

“There was someone well is someone,” Melinda began, “Sometimes I doubt he does other times I know I shouldn’t doubt it. But it’s the simple things really that I try to show it at least….give him a hint.” She placed the mug back down on the table. "Small talk, helping him through his nightmares….the main aspect of it Natasha is that love is a partnership. Everything is shared equally. If you show him….you love him back by helping him the way he helped you...then it will work.”

Natasha nodded her head. She knew what she had to do.

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When Clint was screaming out in terror from another nightmare….Natasha had made absolutely and positively sure she was ready to comfort him.

“Clint wake up,” She said as she gently shook him awake. The archer sat up with a jolt as his tear filled eyes moved wildily throughout the room before they reached hers. Natasha gave a small smile. She hadn’t gotten to the point yet where her smile spoke volumes, but it was enough to Clint as his breathing steadied. She gently took his face in his hands, rubbing his face lovingly with her thumbs. “It’s alright you’re safe.”

“I know,” He whispered his voice cracking, “What changed.”

Natasha gently kissed him on the lips. She could feel his tension leave his body as he melted into his kiss.

“Maybe it was time to stop running from my feelings,” She said as she pulled back, his face still firmly in her hands.

Clint chuckled lightly.

“Well I am glad,” He said, “hey, um, do you mind staying with me tonight.”

She shook her head and crawled into bed with him, holding him close, keeping him warm and letting him know….he was safe.

And there had not been a nightmare since.