Kate is so fucking done with all this pining Barton.

Oh. Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Clint and Nat go on dates with each other on Valentine's Day those years they don't have a partner to go with, and that's totally normal, shut up Tony.

Just... it's been a while since they've had partners. And the restaurants are getting fancier.

I'm Late, I'm Late, For A... Very Important Date?

Clint was waiting in the kitchen, fiddling with his cufflinks, when Tony and Steve came in bickering about the latest updates Tony wanted to make to Steve's shield. They stopped as soon as they got a good look at Clint.

"Barton! What's the occasion?" Tony exclaimed, clapping him on the back. "Don't think I've seen you this dressed up since that op in Monte Carlo. Are you going on a date?"

Clint chuffed and continued futzing with his cuff links. "No, of course not."

"But it's Valentine's Day and you're all dressed up," Steve said, picking up an orange and tearing into the rind. "In my day, that usually meant a date."

"It's not a date," Clint grumbled. He started to say more, but was interrupted by the timely appearance of Natasha.

"Hello, boys."

"Wow." Tony said, jaw dropping as he took in her stunning red dress and four inch heels. He swiveled back to Clint. "Natasha? Really?"

"I told you. It's not a date." Clint grumbled. "It's just dinner."

"Right. Just dinner. Together. On Valentine's Day. Totally normal for two people who aren't dating," Tony said. "Unless you're fucking." He paused and blinked. "Are you? Fucking, that is?"

Natasha rolled her eyes at him. "You really think we'd share that kind of information with you, Stark?"

"One can only hope," he said transferring his admiring gaze from Natasha to Clint and grinning. "I bet Clint's fabulous in bed."

It was Clint's turn to roll his eyes. "Enough, Stark. It's just dinner. Between friends. That's all."

"Normally I'd hate agreeing with Tony but didn't you two go out on Valentine's Day last year, too?" Steve chimed in.

"No," Natasha answered reflexively at the same time Clint said, "Well, yeah."

They looked at each other and shrugged.

"But only because neither of us had a date last year either. It wasn't like a date-date or anything," Clint said.

Steve raised his eyebrows.

"Well, it wasn't," Clint repeated. He turned to Natasha and held out her wrap for her. "You ready?"

"More than ready."

---

Forty-five minutes later, Clint and Natasha were seated at a secluded table in a high end steakhouse.

"This is a lot fancier than I was expecting," Natasha said, looking around. "How did you find out about this place?"

"I think Coulson might have mentioned it in passing." He paused and shot a crooked grin her way. "Which probably should have clued me in about how fancy it was. But he was salivating over their steaks so I think I might have blocked out some other, more relevant details in favor of that one."

"I'm definitely not complaining," Natasha said with a laugh as she smoothed her napkin across her lap. "It's a nice a step above where we went last year."

"Giuseppe's," Clint supplied before popping open his menu and then closing it again. He shifted awkwardly in his seat. "So, uh, that thing Steve said. We didn't actually spend Valentine's Day the year before last together, did we?

Natasha tilted her head to the side and thought about it. "Yes, we did, because that was right after Belgrade."

"Right," he said, nodding and opening his menu again. "And we both couldn't stand to be alone so we closed out the bar at O'Malley's before stumbling back to my place together."

It was Natasha's turn to nod. "But we definitely didn't share Valentine's the year before that one."

"No... " Clint started to say before changing his mind. He squinted at her. "Maybe?"

They stared at each other in horrified silence for a moment. Natasha was the one to finally speak up. "Oh my God, Clint, are we dating? Was Tony right?"

"Tony can't be right. I mean, we're occasionally sleeping together and stuff - not that I would ever admit that to him - but…" He groaned. "Shit, Nat. We are. How did we not figure out we were dating?"

"I don't know." She fiddled with her butter knife. "So what do we do now?"

Clint swallowed. "Um, keep doing it?"

"Should we?"

"Yes?" Clint half-asked. "No, yes."

She made a little annoyed noise. "Which is it Clint? Yes or no?"

"Yes. Definitely yes," he said firmly. He reached across the table for her hand and she didn't pull it away, although she was sure her expression made it look like she was going to pick up the knife and stab him at any moment. Luckily, they were well past the point where he felt threatened by things like that. He leaned forward earnestly. "Nat, we're best friends, we like spending time with each other, and the sex is fantastic. Why shouldn't we be dating?"

"Because it's dating!" she exclaimed, pulling her hand away and fiddling with the tablecloth this time. Anything to prevent her from throwing a knife in frustration or bolting out of fear. "Neither of us has a very good track record at that. What if it ruins what we have?"

"It won't," he assured her, warming up to things. "If you think about it, we've been dating now for like three years without even knowing it. So how would giving it an official name ruin it?"

"Clint."

"Natasha."

She sighed, knowing there was no way to move him when he was being so obstinate. Besides, he was right, dammit. But she was going to go down without a fight.

"Fine. But we're not telling the others. We're especially not telling Stark. Let him keep on guessing."

Clint grinned at her. "Deal."

I have you shoved against the wall but now I can’t stop looking at your mouth.

YES HELLO

Oh, my God, I thought you were going to die. Please don’t ever scare me like that again.

‘i’m rly hungover and i rly rly need some takeout right now but oh god i called the wrong number and your voice is rly attractive do you wanna come over with a pizza’ au

CLINT BARTON <3

we made the mutual decision to go to this party separately and when i arrived there was this asshole flirting with you and i’m trying not to make it obvious i’m seething with jealousy but it’s really difficult.

Bonus if it turns into an OT3 for Laura or Bucky. *g*

YOU SAID BUCKY. I'M SOLD.

You know how in Agent Carter there's that knock out lipstick? Clint or Natasha go old school and try this out. Either on a mission or just for fun. Shenanigans ensue.

"All the Avengers have superpowers." Tony volunteers Clint and Natasha to do a guest stint on myth busters. Because that's what I'm watching right now

Edited 2018-02-12 11:06 pm (UTC)

"Remember kids, the only difference between screwing around and science is writing it down."

Lazy morning in bed.

"Clint? I thought told you not to swipe one of Tony's suits..."

OT3 relationship (with Laura or Bucky or whoever you like). Two people like celebrating shit like valentine's day, but the third person in this relationship really doesn't. But the other two don't want them to feel left out.

Borrowing Strange's time travel thingy had seemed like a cool idea at the time...

How do you tell someone that no, you don't want to kiss someone or have sex with them, but they give THE BEST hugs and would they mind just wrapping themselves around you for a few hours? Or, y'know, a lifetime. (Possible asexual character, or platonic life partners.)

Seriously, Barton? You went there?

SHEILD is a dating agency of sorts. In which Natasha helps people with body language, clothing, getting their confidence back (*cough*Steve*cough*) and Clint's speciality is coming up with senarios/suggestions/date planning, but his ideas are ridiculous. Yet always successful! From bad cinema choices and the arm stretch (but then neither of that couple pay attention to the film and they bond over it and get married that year or something) to the hugely over the top (oh god, what if he gave Tony advice?). And Natasha just does. not. understand. how. they. ever. work.

(Until he demonstrates by taking her on a date.)

Edited 2018-02-12 11:24 pm (UTC)

Clint doing Nat's make up.

I can't even because now all I'm picturing is Nat making up Bucky in Franzi's thing and CLint watching and omg, I'm a pile of mush... :)

Fine line between love and hate

Space AU - in the early days of the first Mars colony/Passengers film/Pern/any colony first sent out to the stars.

Kate and Clint make a bet that ends up with Clint/them both going to a speed dating night.

omg

Supernatural AU: Clint Barton uses feathers from his own wings for his arrows. Natasha Romanoff makes knives from her bones. (But people are not weapons.)

Why is for guitar players and Americans.

Clint is brought on board as an illustrator for Natasha's book / the fan artist for her podcast / the poster and art designs for her music tour, CD etc.

X Men/mutants AU

I don't love you despite, I love you because.

Forced honesty - truth spell magic / truth sreum science / whatever you like.

He’s not sure how long it will last. He hopes it doesn’t last much longer.

Natasha's voice is already starting to crack, but after three hours of nonstop talking, that’s not surprising. He’s tried to get her to drink, but she can only manage little sips before whatever-the-hell-it-is kicks back in and the words start flowing again.

They’d had no idea what it was at first; just some guy hurling out bolts of light from a cuff that looked to Thor to be from Vanaheim. His aim was shit so he wasn’t landing any shots, but then Steve got too close and Natasha, being Natasha and a better person that she would ever believe, stepped in front of him. A bolt of light went straight through her back.

There wasn’t any blood. There wasn’t much of anything. Steve had thanked her and offered her a hand and asked, “Are you okay?”

And from his perch, Clint saw it. Saw he get to her feet, brush down her hands, open her mouth.

“Yes,” she’s said, clear as a bell over the comms. “It didn’t hurt at all actually and I landed a little awkwardly but it’s hardly worth writing home about unlike last week with the Skrulls and what am I saying why can’t I stop Steve Steve I can’t stop make it stop make it stop make it stop – ”

Steve couldn’t make it stop. No one has been able to make her stop. Steve pulled out her comms so no one could hear her and then covered her mouth when she started spilling secrets like arterial blood, her eyes wide and frightened. He’d said he could still hear her mumble through the flesh of his palm.

Clint had abandoned his perch and was immediately by her side, and he hasn’t left since.

He feels so helpless and he aches for her; Natasha, whose silences are so treasured, whose secrets so dangerous. Who fought so hard through countless, false, Natashas to be the person she is now.

All those Natashas are trying to escape now, all at once. Horrifying details Natasha never wanted to share spilling out like slit sandbags. Clint doesn’t know what to do, but he’s found that if he gives her topics – silly, frivolous ones – Natasha can latch onto them and steer herself away from secrets that could destabilise governments, ruin friendships and start wars.

He now knows more about Lancôme makeup than he ever thought he would, but even that can veer into the terrible.

“ – they gave us this lipstick that could knock people out and it was blood red, arterial red, and it suited me, you know? My colouring. And they said I was perfect, so perfect, but I was nothing, empty empty empty, with a cold wind in my head and ice in my bones because that’s useful for killers because killers don’t have to feel – ”

“Remember when we went to Central Park Zoo?” Clint cuts in desperately. He doesn’t want to hear about Natasha being empty because she’s not she’s not she’s not.

“ – there were otters.” The change of subject, even when he suggested it, is still weirdly abrupt. “You love otters, your face lights up and I loved watching you because you were so happy and I wanted to be happy like that too and you showed me tapirs with their funny noses and red pandas and those long legged dogs and you bought me a toy seal and I said it was stupid and childish but I still have it Clint, I called her снежно which is snowy in Russian and she lives on my bookshelf and I hold her when I’m sad – ”

Natasha is starting to look horrified again but can’t seem to work her way away from talking about снежно so Clint chokes out, “Otters,” because he might want to hear how Clint comforts Natasha even when he’s not there but not like this, never like this.

“ – you love otters, say they have cat feet,” she croaks out, and he has said that, he has, “little bean cat feet, and I thought we can’t have an otter but we can get a cat so you can have little bean cat feet and I can see you smile and Clint I can’t stop I want to stop I wanted to tell you properly not like this – ”

“You want a cat?”

“I want you to smile, you don’t smile enough and Steve says I don’t smile enough but you make me smile, Clint, you make me smile – ”

Natasha looks like she would be crying, if she had enough water left in her body, but it’s okay because Clint is crying for her and they’re both a mess and Clint can only manage to choke out the words, “Hitchhiker’s Guide, Nat. Quote Hitchhiker’s Guide,” because he knows she’d hate it if he let her get any further than she already has.

Natasha knows a lot of the Hitchhiker’s Guide. And the Lord of the Rings, and various Tolstoy novels and it’s only then that Clint realises that she’s been switching between Russian and English and he hadn’t noticed. And it’s only six or so hours late that he realises that most of what she’s quoting, or just dissecting or rambling about or whatever it takes to keep herself to spiralling, are things he’s introduced her to; Dog Cops, Brooklyn Nine Nine, M*A*S*H, Star Trek, The Thirty Nine Steps, Poirot, Alfred Hitchcock, Bruce Springsteen, Greta Garbo films, Galaxy Quest.

Whatever weird ass thing it was runs out after twelve hours – Natasha falling silent halfway through quoting Ford Prefect – and she’s so exhausted and dehydrated that Clint simply makes her drink a pint of water and then bundles her into bed.

When she wakes up many hours later, Clint is waiting for her in the front room with a stuffed otter and note. You make me smile too, it says, and Natasha wraps him in a tight hug that says more than any mere words ever could.

Edited 2018-02-24 04:48 pm (UTC)